I wouldn't necessarily call them regrets

Sometimes, late at night, when I can't sleep, I think about things I'd do differently. Not just things I said or where I went, but I'd change things like not talking to a specific douche bag in high school. Like running away screaming when my stepmother insisted on giving me a bowl cut in sixth grade. Like not knocking on some guys' door after he broke up with me in junior high. (It's not my fault he lived a block away...)

No doubt we all wish we could have a do-over, but those are usually for big things: Car accidents, breakups, plastic surgery. For some reason, I always focus on the tiny things that for some reason, I just can't forget about.

In addition to the above, I've wanted to take back entire relationships, randomly pushing Bobby Radditz in the mud before class that one day, leading guys on who I had absolutely no intention of getting serious with, countless fashion violations and semi-drunken phone calls.

I've also wanted to come up with better excuses for my social faux-pas, to know when to put the phone down, to turn a test over to see if anything was on the back, and to remember to bring a coat with me in the boat every once in awhile.

To tie it back to the purpose of the blog, crew is based on repetition. Once you have a good stroke, you build on it. One good stroke, then another, then another. If I say something wrong while coxing, chances are I can make up for it somewhere along the line, whether it's in a different move, a different race, a different day. One bad stroke does not often determine the outcome of an entire race (unless it's a crab and for that I haven't quite had the real-life equivalent). The same cannot "quite" be said of life outside the gunwales. Maybe that's why I've always preferred crew to actual life. Without it, I seem to be going crazy...

The perfect solution to all of the juvenile, past out-of-boat experiences, besides going back in time, is to not think about it anymore. However, at midnight, it's hard not to think how much better off I might've been if I'd only made little tweaks to my life, before they turned into something bigger. Would I still be in my current situation? Probably not, and I'm definitely not willing to give it up. However, I can't help but think that I might be a little less stressed about the big problems had I had warning of what to expect and how to avoid them.

I hope my future child is a good listener, because I have a lot of advice to pass down...