Monday, October 1, 2012

Timeout for a Minor Heart Attack


"The only control I had was to be the one who left, instead of the one who was left behind."
-Ten Girls to Watch

Of all my crappy relationships, of all the bullshit and the lying and the cheating and the game-playing and the faking it, only one person successfully hurt me. If a particularly good song comes on, a love song, a heartbreaking love song, it feels especially new, like I'm experiencing it all over again. He's the Split Screen Sadness, the This Love, the Miss California; every personal, heartfelt sad song, for some reason brings me back to that place, where I was never really happy and he was never really mine. 

It was pathetic. He wasn't attractive and we didn't even have the best chemistry. Yet this saga played on, in my head and in real life, for two years. It's the one relationship that I still harbor anger. Despite having zero attraction to this person, and absolutely no desire to have any future contact with him, I just want him to hurt, to feel bad, to have a regret that he killed me, multiple times, for no reason.

Every line, every AIM conversation, every party, successful or not, is completely engrained in my head after months of analyzing. And the worst part, this happened YEARS ago. I've had two substantial relationships since and I'm completely happy right now. Why is this still in my head?


I found out, no surprise, that our paths will cross again…in about five days. The last time we saw each other was on a weekend trip to Memphis, a trip that no one knows he actually went on. We made the effort to keep it a secret, despite him being 25-26 years old at the time. Really…?

I would love to have the upper hand in this situation; to look great, feel great, have my amazing, live-in BF of almost four years with me. It's like wanting to rub it in, in the most high-school way. 

In all possible scenarios of this Friday night, every one of them features a very indignant Patti, not a very becoming look. How does one exactly navigate this occasion without looking like…you  know….


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